How are you doing in the JOY department of your life?

are you regularly cultivating your joy?

By the way……how is your joy?
Here are a few tips to amp it up!

First big tip is be aware of how you talk to yourself.

Have you tried to think about the positive outcome rather than what bad things could happen which leads to a tail spin-off into useless torture? That’s self-talk gone wild!

Your inner peace starts by turning the torture into nurture.

I can hear some saying BUT I DON’T KNOW HOW.  Stick around, that’s what we do here!

Have you found yourself saying things like…..

Lately my negative self-talk has been around learning new technology.
I have noticed a host of spin-offs triggered.

Oh that’s going to be hard
I am just not good at this kind of thing
It takes me so much longer than other people
(like I know how long it takes “other people”)

No! Not now, I don’t have time for this
Followed by…OMG another thing to learn now!

The inner harsh dialog can be subtle & feel real.

I don’t notice
how often it’s repeated
without a conscious effort.
What I notice in the moment first
is how I tense up and want to walk away.
That tells me there’s something going on
that’s disrupting my FUN, my JOY, my PEACE!

How about you?

What do you say to yourself when you are learning something new or presented with a new idea that might benefit you but feels a little wobbly?

There is one thing I know for sure.

My internal dialog doesn’t help me learn when I am spinning off into my own limiting thoughts. In fact it seems to make me more frustrated, and inhibits my natural curiosity, and joy.  It makes my life unnecessarily difficult living with my own harshness towards myself. How about you, have you thought about this?

And, the most terrifying thing ever happens!

It leaks out to others around me. Oh no, you mean other people can feel my inner dialog?  Yes, they can! We have another layer of connection with each other that is pretty subtle and picks up on the vibe.

That’s a pretty big motivational factor for me personally.
I don’t want to push people away with my negative vibe.

OK, so we figured out it doesn’t feel good to have this inner harsh dialog going on.

So why do we keep doing it?
WHY is it so hard to change it?
OK, here is the big reveal…you ready?
It is because our brains are wired to protect us.

What do you mean protect us?

How could thinking the same thoughts…saying bad stuff to myself over and over possibly be a method of protection?

It’s that primitive brain I have been talking about.

You might have heard about the FFF response (fight, fright, and freeze). That’s the part of the brain that needed to stay in high alert for danger back in our early stages of human development.

That same responsive primitive/automatic part of our brain still remains. Now days we don’t need to be on alert for the tiger hiding to eat us. Yet we are still on the alert for things that have the potential to cause us emotions we would rather avoid.  Then that intervention becomes a habit when repeated often. 

Back to the example of the technology for me.

Because of my past challenges in other learning areas, when I am challenged with learning a new thing my automatic response comes to protect me from the difficult emotions. So I do the habitual negative talk stuff until my reasoning brain becomes aware and turns it around.

We can use our modern brain (reasoning) to help our primitive brain (habitual & protective) move out of UN-useful behavior with our self-talk.

It seems counter intuitive.

Why would I say something harsh to myself when I am challenged?
The protective, habitual part of my brain is trying to get me away so I don’t have to deal with any repeat issues I may have experienced in the past. Oh! Any bells going off for you on your methods of avoidance?

 I learned to celebrate the wins!

Here is a simple process to move beyond the negative self-talk

Awareness: I notice I am not feeling good about this. Body tightens up, breathing shallows, and my jaw tightens.

Ask kindly: What am I saying and feeling that is creating this response. Ask in curiosity, and away from judging.

Sooth: Talk to myself like a parent to a hurting child. Like  the nurturing parent that holds the fear (even though you don’t immediately see it as fear) put your hands on your chest or give a comforting physical gesture to yourself. See this post for more on the support of touch.

Re-frame: Continue talking internally like the wise supportive parent who helps turn it around.

Here’s what I say: You can give it a try for a while with curiosity, not to “have to learn”. See if you want to try it. You can do it at your own pace, then get up and dance!

Celebrate the wins: Make a big deal out of the tiniest accomplishments. My grandma was great at this when she taught me to cook. She would make a party out of me turning over an egg.

Put yourself to sleep with the wins.

Here is what puts me to sleep and makes me feel good about my day. I think back over the day and find 3 wins to celebrate. I will celebrate the tiniest to the biggest and remind myself of how I made my accomplishments that day. Everything from the dishes to the awesome coaching calling to the new stuff I learned. Make your own party out of it.

What if I go back to it not being enough?

That’s OK. Remind yourself it’s just a habit you’re learning to move out of. Then come on back into the party!

Celebrating the wins is a powerful transformation practice that’s
one step into your lasting inner peace. 

How you can celebrate your wins?
Play and have fun with it. Pretty soon it will feel so good you will be looking to celebrate
the wins of everyone around you.

The same ways of doing got you where you are,
but will they take you where you want to go?

Apply here & let’s talk about it in a complementary discovery call.

Laura Long
Life Coaching at